I'll Be Your Reason
by ZebraDolphin
Summary: Eli needs to stop, he wants to stop, but he can't. He's tried, but every time he simply ends up backsliding. He wants to be clean, to be better, but it's not easy, it's a war, a fight. He doesn't have something to fight for though, his health and life aren't enough for him. This is officially only a ONE SHOT. AU, FUTURE, OOC


**Authors Note : I was in the mood to make something a little less light than I usually write. It's not my fault, it's Breaking Bad's fault. I wrote this just for the sake of getting the idea out, I'm not sure if it's really any good or anything, but I wrote it anyways. I hope it's still somewhat entertaining. Alright enjoy :) or not... All I know is that I enjoyed writing it. I hope there aren't too many mistakes.**

**Disclaimer : If I owned any part of Degrassi EClare wouldn't have ever been separated. I do own some nice smelling candles though, not that it's an important fact or anything...**

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A raven haired man was sitting in the dark alley where years ago his life was taken away. He lost himself in drugs; meth, heroin, cocaine, crack, anything he could get his hands on. He sat there in the same exact spot where he first shot himself up with the substance that took him away, that made him feel like anything was possible, it made everything much more interesting and it made life worth living, yet it was slowly killing him. You win some, you lose some, right? The man sat on the cold wet ground as the rain continued to pour down on him, beating on his head and making his hair stick to his face.

His body shook, not from the cold, but from the lack of any kind of chemical substance in his system. He hadn't used in 2 days and he already felt like he was falling apart. He needed the substances, they took everything away and let him escape. The moment he sniffed, injected or smoked something, his body relaxed, his problems dissolved into nothingness, the voices would subside, and life would be meaningful. Yet when the high came down all he could think about was when he could get another hit, he would be in a depressed state without any chemicals inside of him.

He's trying to get clean, he wants to not have to depend on life draining substances, but he's been trying for the past years, every time he get's near more than 6 days he backslides, why would now be any different? Nothing's changed, he hasn't miraculously 'awaken' and wanted to do something more with his life. There isn't a purpose for him in this world, yet he still deprives himself the drugs and hopes for something more, he wishes he could finally make himself stop and get better.

This green eyed man simply wants to stop, but the voices always come back when he does, and when he ignores them, her voice comes into play. The image of her invades his mind whenever he closes his eyes and leaves only when he uses again. It's always the same picture that comes back to haunt him, it's of her, but she's rotting, her skin white, almost grey, it has gaping holes from where the flesh has been eaten away, bones are protruding from every angle, her neck is broken and her head is tilted at the most unbelievable position, the hair it holds is thin and matted with her blood. Every single time it comes to his mind he can smell the iron from all the red sticky liquid that night, he can hear the blood curdling scream that escapes her lips, the screech of the car and suddenly the thud of her body, the crack of her skull, it all replays over in his head and then it's silent. The silence engulfs him and makes him shoot another needle of heroin into his veins, or sniff another line of coke. It's a routine he's gotten much too used to.

He loathed that he was weak, he despised that he would always fall back into the world he hated, yet he couldn't do anything about it. At least that was what he thought until he found a pamphlet two days ago. It was a pamphlet about a meeting for drug addicts; they had it every afternoon at some church that wasn't used anymore. When he found it he decided to stop using and for the past two days all he ever thought about was going to one of the meetings. Just one and he'd see what would be his next steps. He desperately wanted to enter the doors, but whenever he got a mere ten feet away from the once holy place he turned around and ran back to where he felt most comfortable, his alley, the alley he always came back to, because it had become some sort of sanctuary, some kind of home for him.

He sat there staring down at the now crumpled, battered, soggy and filthy piece of paper that held the information that might just save him this time. He wanted to go, he needed to go and so he started to walk. It wasn't far, he got there only a few minutes after he had made his decision and this time he was stronger, he made it to the big wooden double doors and pulled them open with his shaky hands. When the warm air hit him he had remembered that he was soaked in cold rain, but that didn't stop him. He walked inside and saw that he might be early, there were only a few people sitting in the chairs that formed a circle. He took a couple of slow strides before he got to the chairs and sat in one. There were three others sitting there with him, not including the person who he assumed ran the meeting. On his right side was a man who seemed to be in his teens, he had dirty and beaten down old clothes, that were most definitely too big for him. This boy sat there slouched, a gray beanie on his head. The teen's hands weren't shaking and so he assumed he has stopped for more than a few days now.

A few seats away on his left there was another man, he must have been in his fifties, and he looked much cleaner than the teen or himself. Yet you could see his body was shaking with small tremors every now and then, and if you looked closely his eyes were darting every which way as his nails dug into the skin of his palms. The young raven haired man looked up in front of him, at the third person. She had shoulder length cinnamon curls that seemed to bounce at her every movement. This girl seemed to be about his age. She was wearing some pale blue skinny jeans and a light purple top with a dark blue blazer over it. She seemed elegant and not at all like she belonged. He then noticed a necklace she was wearing; it had a pendant with a big 1 year written on it. She has been clean for one year. No wonder she looked better and less like a lost druggy than he or the two others. Her eyes lifted from the ground and met with his.

The young man was awestricken from the blue of her eyes, the orbs held so much emotion in them, they told you that she had a dark past in an instant. The blue of them took him by surprise and captured his own forest green ones. The girl gave him a small and shy smile which he didn't return. He looked down at his hands, the shaking hadn't stopped and now he noticed his leg was bouncing up and down, he tried to grip it, push it down for it to stop the movement, but it didn't help any. Suddenly he felt like he was being suffocated, as if all the oxygen in the room was being sucked out and the walls were closing in on him. His clothes clung to him because of the rain and it didn't help one bit, not even when he peeled off his jacket. His hair, wet from rain and sweat was now sticking to his forehead, everything was getting hot and then cold, a few more people entered and occupied more seats and as they were almost full he was gasping for every breath. A voice broke through the silence and it made him jump.

"It looks like we have a new face here today. Would you like to say something? Maybe introduce yourself?" The man who led the meeting said as he looked over at the man who seemed to be struggling to breathe. But this young man didn't notice that the voice that frightened him was directed at him, he was just concentrating every one of his thoughts on how to stay conscious, in and out, he kept telling himself. Suddenly someone tapped his shoulder and that was it, he jumped out of his seat, the chair falling with a clang behind him and he ran to the door, pushing it open in desperate need for space and oxygen.

As the air hit him he took in a few big gulps of air, almost choking as he did so. He bent down, his hands leaning on his knees as he tried to regain a normal breathing rhythm and slow down his beating heart. As the green eyed man composed himself he stood straight and looked back at the door, contemplating if he should go back inside or just leave. He took the second choice and walked away, he didn't know when he would be back, or if he would be back, but right now he didn't want to be in there, it simply made him worse. He trudged down the wet road, dragging his feet as he felt himself get hit with the rain, it seemed it wouldn't stop, the sky was dark and the air was filled with the sound of rumbling thunder. The man didn't mind though, he could care less if he got sick or if he was to die. He didn't have anything to live for, he wasn't going to take his own life away though, not on purpose, he just didn't care if he died.

All of sudden the downpour of water stopped hitting him, he didn't understand why though since it was still pounding all around him. He looked up and only saw bright yellow. Someone was holding an umbrella over his head. He looked to his side and there she was. The girl from the meeting, the girl with the blue eyes.

"You need an umbrella." She stated, putting it in his hands and then running away, back into the church, he hadn't realised how close he still was to it. The man gripped the umbrella and continued to walk away. He didn't understand one bit why this girl even gave him this, he was already soaked to the bone, it wouldn't help now, but maybe for the future, he guessed. It was nice of her, he didn't even say a thank you, not that he had the time. They didn't even share one word, only a simple look. Why was she being nice to a stranger? He asked himself. But he shrugged it off; she must have pitied him, that's the simple answer. He continued to walk, yellow umbrella in hand, towards his alley. He wasn't completely homeless, he still had a friend who would take him in at any given moment, and parents that would do the same, yet he never liked to burden them, when he needed to though, he would go to one of their houses, eat a little, take a shower, maybe stay a day or two, but he never wanted to make it much of a habit. He knew that when they saw him the way he was they were hurt, they were sad and he hated seeing the look on their faces, so he only went there when he was desperate and he made sure to never be high when he did go there. His other choice was a soup kitchen that also sometimes let some of the homeless people sleep there, it helped him many times and he was thankful for it.

He got to the alley and sat there, slumped against the wall, his umbrella still keeping him from getting much more wet. He reached into his pocket and took out the small bag that held some white powder, he looked at it, wondering if he should or not, it's been two days and nightmares kept haunting him, the vision of her kept coming back and making him drenched in his own sweat when he awoke, only to be greeted by voices, telling him that he should stop kidding himself, that he could never be clean, that he'll die in that alley. The man opened the small baggie and placed some of the white poison in a line on the back of his hand. He needed it, he didn't have any other choice, if he didn't he would just end up having to get tortured a few more days before he'd end up giving in anyways, so why not do it now rather than hurt himself with more of the nightmares.

He closed his eyes and as he was about to inhale he stopped. His eyes shot open, this was new to him. He's never seen that image behind his eyelids. He closed his eyes again and they were back, the big blue eyes were now in his mind. He let his hand fall, the powder sliding off his hand and onto the wet ground, getting lost in the muck. He sat there, his eyes closed as he looked into the blue ones and the only voice he heard was hers, repeating the same line over and over again. 'You need and umbrella' it kept telling him and he gripped onto the handle of the yellow thing much tighter than needed. He fell asleep that way, the blue orbs swimming behind his closed eyelids, the bright umbrella in a vice grip.

He awoke from a peaceful dream that morning; he had slept away the rest of the day yesterday and most of today. There was no nightmare, no haunting images, only blue, his now favourite colour, there was also some yellow and a little bit of light purple dancing in there too, but blue was the one that filled most of his night. He smiled to himself, happy he could get a peaceful night, yet it didn't last long, the effect of the blue eyed, umbrella giving girl had vanished and he was left with the voices and the bloody, dead version of his ex girlfriend.

The tired 26 year old man gritted his teeth together as he noticed he was still shaking. He hated this feeling, the feeling of need for something. He hated that he depended on such life sucking substances and most of all he hated how the lack of them affected him.

The green orbed man looked up at the big round clock that was on a building not far from where he sat, he noticed it was already noon, which meant he had a few hours to kill before the meeting started, yet he still wasn't sure if he was even going to go. The hours passed agonizingly slow as he walked around, trying to shut the voices up by humming a tune and at the same time trying not to think of the bag of cocaine that was burning a hole through his pocket. As the clock struck nearer to 4 he walked towards the church. And once he was again in front of the two big double doors he looked down at himself. He was a mess, his clothes were caked in dirt, every article had at least one hole in it, they were wrinkled and still a little damp from the storm yesterday. His shoulders slumped and his head stayed bowed, he was wondering how he could live like this, he used to be clean, well rounded, and a smile was most likely always on his face. Now though, since her death, a darkness surrounded him, his smile was long gone and he always resembled someone living on the streets.

However before he turned away he remembered the blue eyes and how she had, without even knowing it, stopped him from using. He took a deep breath, gripped the yellow umbrella and wrenched open the heavy wooden door, taking a step inside as it closed behind him. The man closed his eyes, let in a breath and walked to the circle. He noticed that he wasn't as early therefore more people occupied the seats, but the one he sat on yesterday was still vacant and so he took it, he looked up and noticed that the blue eyes were now looking at the umbrella he had in his hands, she had a small and sad smile as she noticed that his leg started to bounce up and down and as he gripped the yellow object much tighter than before as he tried to stop his hands from trembling.

Once she looked up their eyes met once again, blue colliding with green, he felt as if she was looking right through him and into his soul, and he knew it was cheesy and ridiculous to think that, but he could care less because that's just how it felt to him. This girl took all of his attention away, so much that he hadn't noticed that the meeting had started, the host started asking people around to share stuff, how they were, their struggles, and people answered vaguely. Once again the man asked him if he wanted to share something. He looked away from the captivating blue orbs and suddenly he was choking on the air around him again.

"I, uh, I need to go." He managed to say through his small panic attack that was taking over his body. He got up, smoother this time, not knocking over his chair and he sped walked out of there. He was lost in his mind and hadn't noticed the light footsteps following him outside until he leaned on the wall and opened up his eyes to be met with the girl looking at him curiously. He stuck his hand in his pocket and grasped the powder filled bag; he didn't take it out though, simply held it. The girl didn't leave, she simply looked at him. This man didn't need this, he didn't need her following him, giving him an umbrella and certainly not giving him hope, the last thing he needed was another thing to depend on.

"Go away." He growled at her, trying to be fierce yet gentle, not wanting to be mean, she still helped him somehow. However, she ignored his order and questioned him.

"What's your name?" He looked at her, disbelieving but answered none the less.

"Eli." He responded in an annoyed tone.

"I'm Clare." She told him, sticking her hand out for him to shake, which he reluctantly did, dropping the umbrella to the ground because the other option was unlikely, it was keeping him grounded after all. After she shook his hand she bent down to pick up the umbrella and gave it back to him.

"Please go away Clare." Eli said once again, annoyed at her persistence.

"Why?" He groaned, not understanding why she kept pushing him, why she wouldn't just leave.

"Because I'm going to use and I don't want you here for that!" His voice got louder and he noticed that it made her flinch; he didn't want her to see this side of him. He got off the wall and walked away, but as he assumed, she followed.

"Don't." Clare simply said. Which made him stop and turn and she almost bumped into him, their bodies were fairly close to one another.

"And why the hell not?!" He raised his voice once again, but this time she was expecting it so she didn't step back, blink or cringe, she only stood straighter and continued with her calm voice, yet this time she also made it louder.

"Because it's slowly killing you!"

"You don't think I know that?! You don't think I know that I'm dying on the inside?!" He yelled at her.

"Then why do you do it?" She asked Eli calmly, which he detested.

"Because I don't care! I have nothing to live for Clare! What you call life, I call hell. I don't have any reason to keep going. No reason to stop, no reason to live." He started out by yelling at her and gradually became saddened and defeated; he bowed down his head and turned away from her. He hated that he let himself lose control like that and yell at this girl who was just being nice. He took out the bag from his pocket and looked at it, the need was growing with every breath. Unexpectedly his body was turned around, she lifted his chin with a finger so that she could look into his green eyes and once their eyes made contact she wrapped her warm hands around both of his cold ones.

The words that came out of her next surprised Eli. Her voice was soft and he once again felt bad for ever being harsh with her. Her words gave him something he didn't want, something he knew might be taken away from him in an instant and something he would easily rely upon in the worst way possible. She gave him hope.

"I'll be your reason."

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**I'm not sure if this is just a oneshot or not, I really don't know what more I would write, other than a getting better process, but I don't really think it'd be that good. However if you really want another few chapters or something you can tell me, but there isn't any promise that I will do it. Thank you for reading :D I love you guys and I also love reviews :D (just saying) **


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